How Kaiba Stole Christmas
by Trey Enma
Summary: Kaiba steals Christmas, a much better idea than Bakura doing it. Right?


Every Wop  
Down in Wop-ville  
Liked Christmas a lot...

But Kaiba  
Who lived just North of Wop-ville,  
Did NOT!

Kaiba hated Christmas!  
The whole Christmas season!  
Now, ask no fucking questions about the top secret reason.  
It could be that he never got laid christmas night?  
It could be, perhaps, that the pants were too tight?  
But I think that the most likely reason of all  
May have been that his profit margin was two sizes too small.

But,Whatever the reason,  
The cash or some eggos  
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Daygos  
Staring down from his office with a sour, Pissy frown  
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.  
For he knew every Wop down in Wop-ville beneath  
Was busy now, hanging a Miller-can wreath.

"And they're tapping the beer kegs!" he snarled with a sneer.  
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"  
Then he growled, with his rich fingers nervously drumming,  
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"  
For, tomorrow, he knew......All the Wop girls and boys  
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!  
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!  
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Daygos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.  
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!  
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!  
They would start on Trash fishies, and rare Blue Eyes White Beast  
Which was something that Kaiba couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN  
They'd do something he liked least of all!  
Every Daygo down in Wop-ville, the tall and the small,  
Would stand close together, with police sirens ringing.  
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Daygo's would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing!  
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!  
And the more Kaiba thought of the Wop-Christmas-Sing  
The more Kaiba thought, "I must stop this whole thing!  
"Why for One whole year I've put up with it now!  
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!  
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!  
An awful idea!  
KAIBA  
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Kaiba Laughed in his throat.  
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.  
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Richy trick!  
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"

"All I need is a reindeer..."  
Kaiba looked around.  
But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.  
Did that stop him?  
No! Kaiba simply said,  
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"  
So he called that mutt Joey. Then he took some red thread  
And he tied a big horn on top of his head.

THEN  
He loaded some bags  
And some old empty sacks  
On a big cash loaded sleigh  
And he hitched up old Joe

Then Kaiba said, "Giddyap!"  
And the sleigh started down  
Toward the homes where the Daygos  
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.  
All the Daygos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care  
When he came to the first house in the square.  
"This is stop number one," Kaiba Claus hissed  
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. So tight he could die  
But if Bakura could do it, then shit, so could this guy  
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.  
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue  
Where the little ripped stockings all hung in a row.  
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,  
Around the whole room, and he took every present!  
Beer Kegs! And Cheeseburgers! Spaghetti! Rum!  
Newspapers! Ravioli! Popcorn! How Dumb!  
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Kaiba, very nimbly,  
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Italian's feast!  
He took the Jello-pudding! He took the roast beast!  
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as The Flash.  
Why, Kaiba even stole the last of their cash

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.  
"And NOW!" grinned Kaiba, "I will fuck up the tree!"

And Kaiba grabbed the tree, and he started to shove  
When he heard a whiney sound like the coo of a dove  
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Wop  
Little Serenity Wheeler, who a feel he couldn't cop

Kaiba had been caught by the friggin mutt's sister  
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold ginster  
She stared at Kaiba and said, "Santy Claus, why,  
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"

But, you know, that Kaiba was so smart and so slick  
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!  
"Why, you dumb little bitch," the fake Santy Claus lied,  
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.  
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.  
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the Moron. Then he patted her head  
And he gave her some chloroform and threw her in bed.  
And when Serenity was out after inhaling the cup  
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then the last thing he took  
Was the log for their fire.  
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.  
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.

And the one speck of food  
The he left in the house  
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then  
He did the same thing  
To the other Wops' houses  
Leaving crumbs  
Much too small  
For the Italian mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...  
All the Wops, still a-bed  
All the Wops, still a-snooze  
When he packed up his sled,  
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!  
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side ofKaiba's Tarpit,  
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!  
"Those stupid ass Daygos!" he was Kaibishly humming.  
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!  
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!  
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two  
"The all the Wops down in Wop-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned Kaiba  
"That I simply must hear!"  
So he paused. And Kaiba put a hand to his ear.  
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.  
It started in low. Then it started to grow...  
But the sound wasn't sad!  
Why, this sound sounded scary  
It couldn't be so!  
But it WAS scary! VERY!

He stared down at Wop-ville!  
Kaiba popped his eyes!  
Then he shook!  
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Wop down in Wop-ville, the tall and the small,  
Was screaming! They had no presents at all!  
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!  
IT CAME!  
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Kaiba, with his Booted-feet ice-cold in the snow,  
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How can I make this so  
I'll use all their ribbons! I'll use all their tags!  
"I'll use all their packages, boxes and bags!"  
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.  
ThenKaiba thought of something he hadn't before!  
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.  
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?  
Well...in Wop-ville they say  
That Kaiba's profit margins  
Grew three sizes that day!  
And the minute his breathing didn't feel quite so tight,  
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light  
And he sold back the toys at double the price  
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!  
Had a Christmas that was very nice.


End file.
